As you read through the list of questions on p. 222, does anything in particular stand out to you?
Does understanding and working on your own attachment style feel “worth it” to you? Or do you view it as a waste of time? Don’t feel pressured to give the “right” answer; be honest.
What kind of work have you done to help yourself heal from your own past?
Do you believe that you are precious and marvelous, and that the children you serve are, too?
Describe a time when a child you serve was making progress and then experienced a setback.
Dr. Purvis points out that a sticker chart should have no “cash value” (p. 215). Why do you think this is important?
Go through the checklist on p. 216, identifying 3 areas of strength and 3 areas of weakness.
What is one thing you learned from this chapter?
What is one question you have about the information in this chapter?
If you were to teach another adult about the importance of nutrition, what would you start with and how would you teach it?
Dr. Purvis walks her readers through the scenario of taking a little girl to the grocery store. Using that scenario as an example, choose your own scenario and make a list of steps to do before and during the event.
Do any of the kids/teens you work with struggle with separation anxiety? If so, what are some ways you can help equip them?
How would you teach one of the techniques in this chapter to another adult?
Ask a few of the kids you serve to draw a picture of themselves for you, and bring it with you to our next meeting.
Practice the nurturing exercise on p. 142 and describe how it goes.
How good are you at finding “the real child” in the kids you serve? Is this something that you’re aware of?
Do any of the kids you serve have labels that follow them? What are some creative ways to ask others to put those words aside?
Write about one way this chapter encouraged or convicted you. What is an action step you’ll take as a result?
Growing up, was your authority figure firm and strong with a balance of nurture and grace? Or did you hear a lot of whining, pleading, or threatening? Or harsh commands? How did your experience as a child make it harder or easier for you to find a balance of nurture and structure?
Was walking through what to do in a case of defiance helpful to you? What was particularly helpful?
Write about something you found particularly encouraging or convicting in this chapter.
Using the lists on pp. 133-134, put a check next to anything that describes you. Under which list do you have the most check marks?
Pick a few traditional approaches to discipline and explain why they won’t be effective with kids from hard places.
How do you feel when you see a child misbehaving? Do you see it as an opportunity? Does it make you feel stressed or anxious? Do you take that misbehavior personally?
Deep down, how might a child who is always trying to be the boss feel?
Do you provide the kids you serve with a “Think-It-Over” place? Describe how and when you use it, and give an example of when it was effective.
If you have seen a child use triangulation or manipulation as survival strategies, how have you helped the child learn to leave those strategies behind?
Re-do’s help physically encode the correct response in a child’s mind. Tell a story about when you offered a re-do to a child.
Why is it sometimes challenging to show respect to children?
As adults, it is key that we use our words to express our needs if we want to teach children to do the same. Write about a time when it was challenging for you to use your words to express a need or a feeling.
There are a lot of really great application ideas in this chapter. Choose one that you will try this week, and write about how you intend to do so.
What can you identify that may be hindering your child’s sense of felt safety? How can you use a creative solution to address that problem?
“By helping your child feel safe, making his or her world more predictable, and teaching better coping skills, you can actually optimize cortisol levels and allow your child’s brain to work better” (p. 53). Does this statement make you feel like you’re under a lot of pressure, or does it make you feel empowered?
Put yourself in the shoes of a child you serve. What kinds of “normal,” everyday activities might put you in your fear brain?
How did you learn to identify safe people in your own life? Why is it important to teach this in the context of your work, and how can you do that (see p. 64)?
From the story of the boy who was scared to go into Dr. Purvis’ office, we see how deeply and genuinely she loved children. This story is such a good example of the way that God loves us. How will you love someone else in a selfless and compassionate way today? Be specific.
Dr. Purvis calls us to respect the neurological impairments that drive disruptive and maladaptive behavior. Give an example of a situation that could have been frustrating had you not understood and respected the struggles behind the behavior.
Did you find anything from Table 3.1 on pages 36 and 37 particularly helpful?
Share about a child you know whose behavior was (or is) mysterious, heartbreaking, or threatening. (As Dr. Purvis shares, this is common from a child who has been harmed.)
Whether a child grows up in a loving home or not, every child learns how to behave. Think about a child or family that you interact with. What were some of the lessons they learned from their earliest days? Be specific.
Taking a child out of a bad situation doesn’t remove their history; it will always be a part of who they are. Knowing that, how does it help shape your purpose as you do ministry? How can you adjust your expectations?
Specifically for those who work with families: “Each time an infant is held, rocked, fed, and spoken to, brain growth is stimulated. Each time a child watches colorful scenes or listens to sounds, her brain circuitry grows and develops” (p. 26, emphasis mine). Knowing the importance of early connections, how can you be intentional with the way that we engage with the families you serve?
On p. 3, we read about the cycle of a child’s misinterpreted behavior leading to the adults’ frustration, which leads to the child’s fearfulness. When you first meet a child, what are some clues for you that they expect to be in this cycle with you?
Do you think the statement on p. 6, “Deep down, these children desperately want to connect and succeed but don’t understand how,” is true? If so, can you put yourself in the shoes of a child who feels that way and describe what you would want a new adult in your life to be like?
P. 7, “Instead of seeing yourself as the victim of a pint-sized terrorist, begin seeing your role as a compassionate, nurturing guide and ally for your little one.” Can you tell a story about when you were able to do this, and how it made you feel?
P. 8 - Can you describe a time when you were able to watch the behavior of a child to identify circumstances that are stressful and/or challenging for them?
Eye contact (p. 15) is so important. But in this fast-paced, phone-holding society, it can be difficult to put things aside and focus on a person. What gets in the way of you giving a child/other adult your full attention? What can you do this week to make progress there?
